Southampton’s Garage Sale Continues: Arsenal Signs Chambers
Koeman: Come one! Come all!
Koeman: The Southampton garage sale has taken its full swing. We have agile lads that know how to press the ball more times than the amount of gel Cristiano Ronaldo puts on his hair. Who’s ready to bid?
Brenda: Ah! I see a good penalty taker in your ranks. My players fall on the ground a lot like sack of potatoes and I wouldn’t mind having the old hag.
Koeman: Welcome Brenda, I have just what you need! Rickie ol’ Lambert, penalty taker extraordinaire!
Brenda: That’s the man I want. Here’s a £4m bid for the lad.
Koeman: Sold! And Lambert goes to Liverpool for peanuts. Off you go mate!
Lambert: Brenda my hero. Thanks for showing interest in me despite my advancing years. I’d give it my best shot.
Brenda: Sure. Get in the Liverpool bus before I change my mind. Hey Koeman, I’m not done yet!
Koeman: Ah Brenda, what do yer want this time?
Brenda: I need a winger that can play in attacking midfield when I tweak my tactics. He should have a fan song that would start with ‘Lalalalalalalalalana’.
Koeman: Errrrr…Brenda, that’s my prized asset and my captain. And his name is Adam Lallana, you prick. Not for sale.
*Brenda brings out huge wad of cash and starts counting slowly*
*Koeman coughs profusely*
Brenda: As I was saying before you insulted me, I need your so-called prized asset. Every player has his price. Or don’t you think so?
*Koeman starts to sweat and begins adjusting his collar*
Koeman: Oh Brenda, you’re a wise man. May I present my captain, Lallana. More skillful than your lot in Liverpool and he has a goal or two in him, but he’d cost you a fortune.
Brenda: B*tch please, I sold the bitey one for £75m. I’ve been laughing to the bank like ‘ha ha ha ha’. *drops a large chunk of cash (£25m) for Lallana*
Koeman: My word! Sold! And Lallana goes to Liverpool.
Lallana: Goodbye boss, sorry I never had the chance to work with you. *exchanges hug with Koeman*
Koeman: *whispering to Lallana* It’s okay mate, don’t tell him about your fucked up knee.
Lallana: LOL! Sure. Hope the money is good enough.
Koeman: Are you kidding, this cash can get me a Dusan Tadic and there would still be enough change to feed some refugees in Africa.
Brenda: Kooooooooeman! I’m not done yet.
Koeman: Seriously bro! I just took over this job from Mauricio Pochettino. You might as just change your team’s name to ‘Liverhampton‘ or ‘Southampool‘
Brenda: I would have laughed at your joke, but with the kinda money at my disposal, I don’t do funny, I do Mulla. I want your best defender and I’m willing to pay good cash.
Koeman: Too late, I sold my best defender to Manchester United, and trust me, they paid silly money for the bloke.
Louis van Gaal: YOU DONT MEAN IT
Shaw: lol boss, at least he recognizes that I was the best defender in Southampton last season and he wasn’t my manager. I guess he watches TV well then.
Koeman: F**k you Shaw. Brenda, I have a Croatian defender that goes by the name of Dejan Lovren and he’s level-headed, unlike your Martin Skrtel that plays like he has a rush of blood to his head.
Brenda: Whatever man! Here’s £20m.
*Arsene Wenger steps in and sees Brenda with three players*
Brenda: Monsieur Wenger, I see that you don’t want to be left out on the Southampton Garage Sale.
Wenger: Yes, Mr. Rodgers. I’m looking for a versatile player that can play as a right back, center back and holding midfielder.
Wenger: Brenda, I see you have stunted memory. Before the Debuchy deal, I signed a player you even wanted. Alexis Sanchez…lol
Brenda: Arrrrrrrrgh! How many times do I have to tell you that he chose Arsenal ahead of Liverpool because of geography!!!
Wenger: Whatever makes you sleep at night bruh!
*Brenda zooms away with his new recruits to Anfield*
Wenger: Mr. Koeman, welcome to the Premier League. I see you’re struggling to hold onto your key players.
Koeman: Tell me about it!
Wenger: I’ve been there mate. And it’s a big ass b*tch. Grooming a player for so long, only to have him snapped from you by some rich predator.
*Koeman hugs Wenger*
Wenger: Well, to the business of the day. I need a versatile player that can play as a right back, center back and holding midfielder. Hope I’ve come to the right place.
Koeman: The papers say that you want Morgan Schneiderlein. He can play as a holding midfielder, not right back or center back. Spurs are even interested in him.
Wenger: I would not repeat myself!
Koeman: Okay sir, there is a candidate that can suit your demands but he’s English and you know what they say about English blokes, especially when they are young and have prospect.
Wenger: We live in a world where crappy Englishmen like Andy Carroll can cost £35m so I get you. Just take it easy with your inflated price.
Koeman: How about £16m?
Wenger: Lemme ping Ivan Gazidis.
*Wenger exchanges IMs with Gazidis*
Wenger: Koeman, I’d sign Calum Chambers for an undisclosed fee.
Wenger: Where my Chambers at?
Chambers: Here I am boss!
Wenger: That’s my boy, welcome to the future.
Koeman: The Garage Sale isn’t over though. Come one, come all!
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