Monthly Archives: March 2011

More international games and a quick glance at the Arsenal Reserves

The tales of my bruised fingers may be regarded as cliché but I’m happy to say that my fingers are in optimum operating pinging, grabbing and writing condition. After a long day at the office I came home on time to watch Nigeria’s friendly against those Masais. A young mallam scored Nigeria’s opener as early as the 3rd minute. Everton’s Anichebe scored the type of goal that Shegs Okoro scores in the Nigerian football comic known as Supa Strikaz. Ike Uche finished the tie off with an angry finish. I called it an angry finish because he slammed the roof of the net with “anger”.

SuperSport offered a wide range of matches to choose from.

I started with the France-Croatia friendly. I saw Nasri wearing a very fine white horizontally striped jersey but there was no armband on his left hand. That pissed me off a bit so I tuned to the channel that was showing the England-Ghana game. 33AsaGyan was in the thick of things in the match being a handful for the England defense. England’s goal was made in Birmingham and was finished in Liverpool.

Young and Downing linked up well to tee WWE’s Edge who in turn blasted a low drive past Blackpool’s Kingson. When the ref blew the halftime whistle, I tuned to the channel showing the match between the Netherlands and Hungary. I was in a slight trance when I saw the scoreline at that exact point in time. Netherlands 1 Hungary 2. I also noticed that Ruud boy van Nistelrooy was the lone striker on the pitch. That made me fear for the worst.

That Chiellini moment

I thought that rVp had suffered another Chiellini moment but after surfing the net I found out that he was replaced at halftime after scoring on the 13th minute. At least his bones were intact.

The Dutch got their equalizer from Boy Genius Wesley. He had a fortunate one-two with some Hungarian bloke before slotting the ball sweetly past Fulop. That one-two was a quick reminder about the one-two Silvestre did with that little Wizard. Mr. Dick Stamina was shown with a swollen eye but that ox kept on playing. BarcAlien newbie Afellay tracked back to win the ball close to the corner flag. He then went on an amazing run, skinned many blokes before sending a lovely crossfield ball to Mr. Dick Stamina. Kuyt controlled the ball then squared it to Ruud boy who wasted no time in finishing the ball with a first time shot. That was his 35th goal in his 70 appearance for the Oranje.

That meant that he had joined the Monsieur 50/50 club that is headed by Juninho Pernambucano. There’s a legend which says that the bearded Brazilian scored a goal in every 2 free kicks he played. Fool-ham’s Gera scored an emphatic finish to level the tie at 3-3 but Mr. Dick Stamina turned on the screw with 2 brilliant late goals.

Wait……this is an Arsenal blog not some Dutch football article. Bleeeeh.

Mr. Dick Stamina’s first was a technically accurate finish from a neat cross by Afellay but his second was more or less a classy fluke because he chipped the goalie from quite some distance even though the ball was meant for Ruud boy.

Mr. Dick Stamina was denied any chance of a hattrick when he was replaced by a Mohican. There was even time for the cameramen to show the fans Dutch legends like Frankie Rijkaaie Frankie and Marco van Bastard.

When the thrilling encounter was over, I tuned to the channel that showed the England-Ghana game. Wilshere was replaced by the exciting winger Matt Jarvis. The Flour Mill-ner hacked down 33AsaGyan deliberately from behind but he received a yellow when I expected red. There was a lot of ceremony before the free kick but 33AsaGyan killed a bird with the resulting free kick. There was even time to introduce Ghanaian-born Welbeck but 33AsaGyan got what his persistence deserved by scoring the equalizer right on the death. He made Ghanaian mince meat out of that Man City defender that was struck by Lord Voldemort when he was young, opened himself up then placed the ball with his left foot.

Arshavin’s Motherland Russia went to the Middle East to play World Cup 2022 hosts Qatar with the weather having the same boiling point with water, 100oC. They scored first and hit Akinfeev’s bar 1 million times but AA23 gave an assist to Twitch FC’s Pavlychenchenchenko whose finish leveled the tie at 1-1.

In the city of Prague, Czech captain TR7 was pulling all the g-strings in midfield in the game against Lichtenstein. Czech Republic got off to a flyer when TR7 gave an assist to Sami Khedira who finished with style. I meant Milan Baros.

Wald Bezt B52 played for the Danes n their 2-1 friendly win over Slovakia.

All Arsenal players involved in international duty tonight didn’t have their fingers cut from ceiling fans. Thank Heavens.

There was a time when I believed that Wenger would never go back to his vomit in terms of re-signing players that have left the club.

Sol Campbell trained with the club, we re-signed him; David Beckham trained with the club, we let him go (duh); Thierry Henry trained with the club, he went back; Mad Jens trained with the club, we re-signed him. Out of the blue comes former gunner reject Jeremie Aliadiere.

Since a club like Middlesbrough could still release his ass after all the goals he scored for them against us, you’ll tend to wonder about the cruelties that come with football. He told the media Vultures that he’s confident that AW the Alchemist will re-sign him IF he decided that Arsenal needs another striker.

It’s always good to dream the dream once in a while but I don’t see Mr. Ali wearing the Arsenal jersey anytime soon. We know that he’s French but his services are not needed in a club like Arsenal. We should remember that Wald Bezt B52 cries once in a while, we also have an Aztec Warrior that’s currently plying his trade in WBA.

Arsenal's chipper-in-chief, the Aztec Warrior

Aliadiere was the lone striker when Neil Banfield’s reserves played against WigWig. There was no way I could watch the game so I followed the events of the game through Twitter.

This game was Aliadere’s first game in 8 months so he was the R in rusty. Miquel got a red card in the 20th minute for a professional foul even though it seemed as if Daniel Boateng was on the same line with the Arsenal reserves captain. The stadium was typically quiet but Mad Jens kept shouting at players that were less than half his age.

Mad Jens in action

Mad Jens had to contend with a lot of crosses from the flanks and tricky back passes from the defense. In the 36th minute, Mad Jens produced a super save that rolled back the years. This tweet will explain it better.

“@YoungGunsBlog:  Superb save from Lehmann to deny Rugg again. Only a YARD out, but the 41-year old showed great reactions to keep it out”

On his day, Mad Jens can be very exceptional but he’s also very eccentric. If AW the Alchemist was delighted for seeing that super save, the next “act” by Mad Jens would have been the Scene 1 Act 1 for the movie: Jens Lehmann mojo series.

Let me write it down in the exact way I got it from a column.

“As the half appeared to be petering out, a hair-raising moment for Lehmann and Arsenal nearly resulted in a freak goal for the hosts. There seemed no danger when Hajrovic rolled a tame back-pass Lehmann’s way and, just like Paul Robinson did that time in Croatia, he missed his kick after the ball took a horrible bobble. The whole ground gasped as, seemingly in slow motion, the ball trickled goalwards. Thankfully for Lehmann, it would roll inches, make that centimetres, wide of the right post.”

Mad Jens Lehmann, eccentricity at its best.

WigWig opened the scoring in the 53rd minute from a bloke that shares the same name with Liverpool legend McManaman. It was a simple close range finish that Lehmann could do nothing about.

Mad Jens was caught in the middle of nowhere when Wigan built up another nice attack. Boateng cleared the ball off the line to spare Lehmann’s blushes.

With 7 minutes left to play, a Wigan youngling that shares the name with construction company John Holt put the game beyond doubt by dribbling Mad Jens when he was one-on-one to play the ball into an empty net. His first name is Joe not John.

Arsneal’s Rhys Murphy converted a spot kick in the 90th minute but it was too little too late for the Reserve Gunners as the game ended in a defeat that brings Arsenal Reserve League title hopes to an end. That’s not surprising. The Arsenal Reserves can’t win the title, the Arsenal first team is still hopeful for the title while the Arsenal Ladies…….

From what you’ve read above will you start Mad Jens against Blackburn? Dunno about you, but I’ll stick to the Devil I know.

In other news, Arsenal has opened an academy in ancient Greece. There we will train the descendants of Leonidas, Odysseus, Agamemnon, Hector and Achilles. The name Achilles doesn’t bring any fond memories because it’s holding our star defender captive.

The section of the media Vulture association known as the daily mail say that we want Germany’s shot stopper Manuel Neuer. Even if I know how good he is, the name Manuel isn’t in our good books right now.

England U-21 manager Stuart Pearce says that he’s taking the Whizkhid to Scandinavia in the summer for the European U-21 Championships. I guess that there’s nothing we can do about it but we could try and ask Chelsea’s Nneka the Bald what he told the arsecrater Domenech. That way Wilshere can say the same thing to Pearce, book his early ticket back to London, get an 18-match ban from the U-21’s then officially retire as an Under 21 player.

I don’t know if I’ll describe this write up as Tuesday’s late post or Wednesday’s early post. The bottom line is that the next post will come on Thursday.

I’ll end today’s post with a factual tweet about the Arsenal.

“@AAllenSport: Arsenal vs Blackburn is the last time the Gunners will play on a Saturday this season. (9 games left: 1 on Saturday, 7 on Sunday and 1 on Wednesday”

This means that gooners in Abuja can come to Silverbird Cinemas to watch a movie or two on Saturdays without having our dear ol’ Arsenal in mind.

While you at it, feel free to buy a thing or two at Anan World. It’s on the ground floor.

Ensure that you keep your fingers away from ceiling fans, it hurts like Hell.


Transfer bullcrap, Clichy whines, the Whizkhid loves international football and Fabio Hitler

The fingers on my left hand went through another fitness test this morning. It was the kind of fitness test you only see in Utopia and Shangrila. A sexy blonde nurse called me up and told me to sit down on the comfy leather seat. I did that. I had a fantasy fitness test in my crazy mind.

In my Twitter account @enigma106 I have a favourite tweet that I saved from a buddie of mine known as @aykemoore

“@aykemoorexxx: Q: Why is it that 90% of girls have their left boob bigger than the right? A: Because 90% of boys are right handed”.

I expected the lovely voluptuous nurse to tell me that I should use my left fingers to feel her tits to see if they are fit enough but she gave me 15 pairs of dusty black shoes to polish as if I was an elf. I woke up to realize that the fitness test took place in my dreams.

Now that April is around the corner, many teams will start sniffing the butts of the teams they want to buy players from. Juventus are hot on the trail of World Cup goalkeeping finalist Maarten Stekelunburg but the goalie says that his preferred destination is London.

Sorry to disappoint you Maarten but I think our goalkeeping eggs have been laid in a Red and White basket from Poland. Besides, we are the Red and White so it makes a whole lot of sense. Better get your Dutch arse to Delle Alpi in Turin because Buffon gets injured more than Cattermole gets red cards.

Resident Evil’s Belgian BioHazard of Eden might be up for grabs this summer like the T-Virus from LOSC Lille Metropole. AW the Alchemist is known to be an admirer of the young BioHazard but I think he might cost a fortune because of his age. I wouldn’t mind us purchasing a player like the BioHazard because we know that Arsenal FC is an injury prone squad. He’ll definitely get his chance to shine.

BioHazard of Eden...The "Nemesis" of football

The BarcAliens have been told that they can get Arsenal’s Clark Kent for £43m. I still feel that £43m is quite small for a player of Fabregas’ caliber. If a craphole like Man City’s Flour Mill-ner can command a fee of £30m, how much more a star like El Capitan. They are a broke ass lot so I feel that Fabregas will stay with us till we suck his blood dry. If we win the Premier League he might be tempted to stay but if we go trophyless again I don’t see us keeping him.


Madrid boss Jose Moaninho says that he was just hours away from taking the England job in 2007 before declining. Like we fucking care.

As I wrote in my post on the 17thof March, Moaninho is a managerial prostitute. I’m pretty sure that if he goes trophyless with Madrid this season, he’ll probably resign then carry his glittering CV to the shores of England crying to clubs like Man Utd or Man City saying, “I am Moaninho the Special moaning one. I’ve never lost at home since the days Napoleon ruled France and I won’t still lose till after Brazil hosts the World Cup. Hire me please. 🙂

The boss of England has sent some players back home like King Leonidas in 480 BC before fighting the final battle of Thermopylae to the Persians.

I don’t think captain Terry J looked back like Dilios but the media Vultures are now making a big fucking fuss about the player that would wear the armband against Ghana in tomorrow’s friendly against Ghana. I think I have the perfect solution for such media tomfoolery.

Fabio Hitler

Fabio Capello should wear the captain’s armband like the Nazi dictator in the picture above. He can even choose between Adolf Capello or Fabio Hitler. I feel that Fabio Hitler sounds better. I’ve always searched for a nick for the English national team boss and I’ve come to a stop. Fabio Hitler.

Most people think that tomorrow’s friendly is pointless but Fabio Hitler will probably use it as an opportunity to give other players a run out. I’ll glue my eyes to my 42” flat screen tomorrow evening when England takes on Ghana. Even though I’m a proud Nigerian, I take delight in watching the Black Stars play. Let’s go back to last year’s football fiesta in South Africa. They were paired with Serbia, Australia and heavyweights Germany while Nigeria was paired with the short Argies, Chin ko Republic and that Spartan team that have players whose names end with S. They did Africa proud by qualifying for the quarter finals after knocking the Yankees out. They were a foot away from the semis but were denied by the canny mischievousness of Uruguayan national hero Suarez. They still had the perfect opportunity to book their ticket to the semis but that makossa dancing wankhammer called 33AsaGyan let the continent of Africa down by missing his spot kick from 12 yards.

Jack Wilshere wasn’t among the English players that were sent home. This means that the Whizkhid may be in line to continue his international fledgling career. Wilshere says that he wants to play in the U-21 European Championships that will take place in the summer

I admire Wilshere’s drive but it’s his youthful exuberance that is driving him to make such a decision. He has to remember that he’s human. He also has to recall that he’s now considered as a senior team player. If a player has 99 U-21 caps in Football Manager, it automatically changes to 1 cap when he makes his senior team debut. The 99 U-21 caps won’t be counted anymore.

Finally, Wilshere has to understand that he’ll suffer a burnout when he returns to the Arsenal squad. The 2007 Copa America cost Gilberto Silva his place in the squad because he complained to AW the Alchemist that he was fatigued. The Flanimal stepped into Gilberto Silva’s shoes in the midfield and forged a great understanding with Fabregas. Wilshere should remember that Sylvester Stallone or Rambo is lurking around the corner to win his place back in the squad so he can go to the U-21 European Championship at his own peril.

The media Vultures claim that Gael Clichy is frustrated that he has lost his place to Monsieur Tuck-in Evra.

The last time I checked, it was never Clichy’s in the first place. International football is a lot different from club football. The manager of the national side picks his team for different reasons.

He might pick his squad based on player reputation. Cassy Casillas is the best keeper in Spanish football. He broke into the national side after Andoni ZubiZubiZubiZubiZubi decided to hang his gloves. There was nothing Canizares, Cesar Sanchez, Valdes, Reina, De Gea can do about it. I forgot to add Almunia, I’m sure that he can be placed there somewhere.

Other managers pick squads based on personal preference. Most national team managers that have their children playing professional football would give them preference in that position. When Zlatko Kranjcar was the manager of Eduardo Dudu Composure and Luka Luka’s Croatia, he handed a debut to his young son Niko. Vladimar Weiss Snr of Slovakia gave his son Vladimar Weiss Jnr an automatic World Cup slot even if he was enjoying Reserve football in Man City.

But there are some managers that are really senseless. What can you say of a manager that made a midfield legend like Riquelme retire before his time? A manager that stripped the national team captaincy from a player that has served the country since 1994 to hand to a midfielder that has only 2 Olympic medals to his name. I thought that he’ll be foolish enough to give it to his son-in-law. A manager that felt that a treble winner like Cambiasso wasn’t good enough to make the 23-man squad that was to travel to South Africa. He found his footballing demise in the hands of the effective German Machines. There’s also another cuntbutling manager that felt that Nasri, Benzema and the Flanimal were not good enough from his squad. A manager that’s responsible for Nneka the Bald getting an 18-match ban. Unlike the previous manager I wrote about, this one didn’t even make it past the first hurdle that included teams like Uruguay, Mexico and the hosts South Africa.

Let me give Clichy a brief history lesson on the left back position of the Les Bleus. His lucky that he’s not on Twitter; I would have forwarded this section of my blog to him.

The left back for the French team in the 1998 World Cup they hosted was Bixente Lizarazu @ 28. Lizarazu @ 30 was the left back in Euro 2000 at Holland and Belgium. Lizarazu @ 32 was the left back at the 2002 World Cup in Korea and Japan. In Euro 2004 at Portugal, Lizarazu was 34 so he was usurped by BeansHead Silvestre @ 26. Silvestre’s stint as the first team left back lasted for only 2 years because he was usurped by Abidal @ 26 in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Abidal @ 28 was the left back in Euro 2008 in Switzerland and Austria. Monsieur Tuck-in Evra @ 28 usurped Abidal in last year’s World Cup in South Africa.

I'm faster than Monsieur Tuck-in.....i'm supposed to be there not him

I have one word for Clichy… “Wait you fucking turn or go to the Ivory Coast and ask Drogba for the Shevchenko-Pizarro-Torres potion”

That’s all for today.


A tale of Mad Jens, the Whizkhid and others

My Sunday kicked off on a very horrible note with 3 fingers on my left hand getting badly bruised by a fan in my sister’s house but the fact that you can read this post shows that God was merciful enough to let my fingers remain on my hand. The fan was really fast. Perhaps it’s more or less a tale for the kids.

I’m pretty sure that the technician that set up that fan must probably be a short motherskunker because at 6’ 2” my fingers are not supposed to be cut by a ceiling fan. It’s a ceiling fan for fuck’s sake. Thank Heavens all the same.

I’ll start with Sunday’s international round up. Brazil and Scotland graced our home ground with their samba and William Wallace like football respectively. Santos wonderkid Neymar scored a brace. I guess that’s going to increase his bill a bit because we know that the Cashlings are hot on his trail.

There was a tweet I read about Neymar.

“@VikramGooner: Neymar is the 133rd player that has been labeled as the “future Pele”

In one word….hilarious. I didn’t even know that there were 132 other players that were labeled as the next Pele but I’m pretty sure that Denilson won’t be in that league. He’s a midfielder by the way.

Wald Bezt B52 played all 90 minutes for Denmark in the 1-1 draw against Norway. I guess all that talk about his ankle injury has been quelled. Farmer Eboue planted some crops with the Drog Man and the other Ivorians before playing Benin Republic. They actually played the home match in Accra because of the political unrest going on in their homeland. We wouldn’t want to see another case of African gunmen shooting at a bus again after witnessing that disgraceful event in January 2010 that forced players like Emmanuel Greedybayor to quit the international scene.

Mad Jens joined us from Dortmund in 2004. He was between the sticks when we went on that unbeaten campaign in the same year. He also excelled for us in our continental tournaments in 2006 but wasn’t too convincing in the league. I can still remember that soft goal he conceded against Wigan on the final day of that season from a free kick. The bloke’s name was Thompson or so. Henry was the star of the show with his brilliant hattrick.

King Henry kissing the turf after scoring the final hattrick in Highbury

5 years on, Mad Jens told the media Vultures that our defense was the reason he was sent off in Paris. He said that he scythed Eto’o down outside his box because he wasn’t used to conceding in the Champions League.

Red card on a final.......ain't that a biatch

I don’t think our defense was at fault for his red card. Ronaldinho was in the form of his life that year. That through pass was like hot knife through butter although I was wishing that the ref allowed Giuly the Imp’s effort to stand. That’s old news by the way. We all know how Lehmann’s Arsenal career went after that year.

The media Vultures say that Mad Jens is in line for a reserve game ahead of Arsenal’s game against Blackburn. Even if I don’t watch Reserve League football, I would love to see how Lehmann would fare. I know that there’s a major difference between Reserve football and Premier League football but I feel that the main target here is to give the 41-year old some match fitness.

John Lukic says, “Picking Jens for a Premier League game would be a massive RISK. Imagine a goalie who has been sidelined for 8 months with an injury, would you pick him after a comeback from reserves”

I agree with Mr. Lukic to an extent but we have to remember that Almunia is a walking time bomb. He has done the cock-up double against West Brom. Let’s remember that his best performance this season was in Ewood Park in August so I hope that he does a better double against them. I believe that AW the Alchemist will give him one more chance to prove to the World that he’s not a cuntbutler but another calamitous performance will make everyone jump to the Lehmann bandwagon.

We are 5 points behind Man Utd with only 9 games so there’s no more room for fucking error. Let’s hope that the mid-April target for Szczesny becomes a reality. At least we have Blackburn, Blackpool and Liverpool. That’s what I said about West Brom.

England’s boss had some sweet words for the Whizkhid. His formation against Wales was different from the conventional 4-4-2 we see England play in recent years. He played 4-3-3 with the rich Roo-Thug and Young on the wings while the midfield triumvirate was Parker, Lampback and our Whizkhid. It was still enough to get maximum points against Ramsey’s army.

He says, “It’s a normal performance for him but it is incredible how much he has improved in a short space of time. The performance of this player this season has been incredible. He plays like a player who is 28 or 29 years old 45 caps. I hope there is more to come. A good player is always improving”

I’ve run out of superlatives for Jack Wilshere. He has been a phenom for us this season. At the age of 19 he has already cemented his place in the squad for years to come. Ramsey knows the only way to shrug off the Whizkhid challenge is to be extremely outstanding when he’s asked to do his job on the pitch.

I would really love to see Wilshere and Ramsey play together in that holding role while a player like Nasri or TR7 will be ahead of them. The Arsenal engine room will definitely run at optimum performance. We all know that Song will have an edge above the 2 young lads in terms of selection because it’s his natural position but AW the Alchemist has the final say.

Speaking of AW the Alchemist, the media Vultures say that he has a few words for Wilshere due to some off field events that took place. It’s worth a read.

So after the 1st full round of international matches, no Arsenal player’s fingers have been cut by ceiling fans, heads smashed and balls busted. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for the games that take place on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Sorry about the lateness of today’s post.

My fingers had to pass a late fitness test.