Daily Archives: March 22, 2011
Apologies for not writing any post yesterday.
I was suffering from an extreme case of diabytes and denilsomnia. I guess that they read my previous post and they decided to hit out on me in their own special way.
Denilson, if you want me to forgive you, score one of your trademark samba long range missiles when we host Blackburn on the 2nd of April like the one you scored against Everton in our Premier League curtain raiser last season. You can even do your pointed finger celebration while you nod your head like Ramires the great Lizard.
Diaby….Diaby…Diaby. Don’t worry; I’ll come up with something for you in my next post.
This Tuesday will be different from every other Arsenal Tuesday. There’ll be no Carling Spoon tie, no FA Cup replay and no Champions League encounter to look forward to.
This time the gunners will book flights to different corners of this planet to represent their various countries.
The only annoying thing about this international break is that this upcoming weekend, we won’t play Dullingham FC or Fucktard United. There’ll be more international games.
Before I write about my headline for today, I’ll give a full round-up of everything that’s Red and White.
AW the Alchemist is still going to stick to Mr. Calamity after his horrendous error against WBA. He says that Lehmann isn’t ready yet.
Let’s face it; I’ll prefer to watch Almunia make these glaring errors then to see Mad Jens stand between the sticks. Mad Jens has done well enough to stay fit throughout this period he has been out of the beautiful game but risking him in any of our games might be our own undoing. I feel that his merely in the squad to increase the morale of the boys at the camp. There’s still hope for Wojciech Szczesny. He’s likely to come back in mid-April.
Cesc Fabregas is getting close to full fitness and he’ll use this period to rest while those Spanish aliens do their thing on Wednesday and Saturday.
He wrote this on Twitter
“I started running today for the 1st time so I’m very happy to back outside, especially with such a good weather”
Wilshere still believes that we can win the league. The young lad has done extremely well this season and he can raise his head high for the performances he has given us this season. He emphasized about the game against Man Utd as our game of the season. I sincerely hope that all our “key” players will be fit enough in that game. They struggled against Bolton and haven’t been that convincing but they are still 5 points ahead of us. That’s the stuff made of champions. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed though.
The media Vultures claim that Clichy is threatening us to give him a new deal or he’ll leave for planet Mars. They have even lined a replacement for him. Emilio Izaguirre. Bullocks.
Wojciech Szczesny has “joked” he would rather play behind 48-year old youth team coach Steve Bould than any of the current centre halves. He also branded our Wald Bezt B52 as “arrogant” and Mad Jens a “nutcase”.
Even 5-year olds know that Mad Jens is a nutcase. Bendtner is not that “arrogant”, he’s just self-confident of his own ability even if he doesn’t apply all the time on the pitch. May be he just needs a descent run out. It even seems as if Chamakh has usurped him in the pecking order in recent weeks.
This last piece of info was given to me by Chuck Bass. Not the famous “Chuck Bass” you see on Gossip Girl, he’s an ardent Arsenal fan that’s a core member of my BlackBerry Messenger group Team Goonerdaily. He does a few traits from the real “Chuck Bass” though. He’s the kind of guy you wouldn’t want to introduce your girlfriend to. I’m just kidding.
You can follow him on Twitter by clicking on his name. You can also follow my Gooner Daily assistant Tomasz by clicking here.
14 gunners have been called up to represent their countries in their bids to qualify for their various continental competitions. Others have also been called to represent them in friendlies.
These gunners have also been essential to our cause. Not all though.
When I went on Twitter, I came across a “set of tweets” by Arsenal stats king Orbinho. He tweeted about the players and the percentage of games we won with them this season, he also tweeted the percentage of games we won without them this season. However, he didn’t give the stats of all the players. Take note.
I will start with the gunners that are going on international duty.
Clichy, Sagna and Nasri have been invited by Laurent Blanc to play an away tie with Luxembourg and a home tie with Croatia. They weren’t included in Orbinho’s tweets.
Ramsey has also been called up to represent Wales when they take on England and Scotland at home.
Ramsey has played only 2 games for us this season so it will be unfair to put his “winning percentage” although it stands at 0% right now. We haven’t won in the 2 games he has played for us.
rVp has been called up to play for the Netherlands as they take on a legged battle with Hungary.
With rVp as our centre forward, Arsenal has won 70% of its games. Without him we have won 53%. That tells you the importance of rVp to our squad. He’s the only forward present in the club that has scored in all competitions this season. The bulk of his 15 goals have been scored in the league with 11 to his name. The penalty against Partizan and that wonder goal against Barca were his only Champions League goals. His simple header from B52’s cross was the only FA Cup goal he registered while that athletic injury giving scissors kick he executed against Birmingham in the Carling Spoon final was his only goal in that competition. I’m confident that the percentage will increase as the season goes on. Let’s hope that he can stay fit.
Czech captain TR7 has also been called up by his country to take on the Aliens of World football Spain in planet Krypton. After the space shuttle visit, TR7 and his troops will come back to Earth to play minnows Liechtenstein.
Rosicky has featured sparingly for us in this campaign but Orbinho still cooked up something for our slippery Banana7. With TR7 as the attacking midfielder or winger as the case may be, Arsenal has won 75% of the games. Funnily enough, we have won 52% without his services on the pitch. Be the judge of that.
Danish sweetheart B52 has been called up to play Norway and Slovakia. They are both away ties.
It’s quite unfortunate that Orbinho didn’t develop anything for our Wald Bezt striker. With all his media antics I would’ve really loved to see his overall contribution to the squad. At least I don’t need Orbinho to tell me the amount of goals B52 has scored. I have my very own Arsenal excel sheet. He has amassed 9 goals so far for us this season. He’s also our leading FA Cup scorer with 4 goals, our leading Carling Spoon scorer with 3 goals but he’s leading the Premier League scorer’s charts from behind in terms of goals scored by our forwards with 2 goals. The sweet curling effort against Man City and our opener in Arsenal’s last game in 2010 against Wigan.
AA23 has been called up by the Soviet Union…..motherland Russia to captain the side when they play Armenia away and 2022 World Cup hosts Qatar in a World Cup host vs World Cup host friendly.
Orbinho wasn’t too “forgiving” when cooking up Arshavin’s stats. When taking on his left wing position, Arsenal has won 52% of its games but when his diminutive arse is on the bench, Arsenal has won 75%. I guess that Theo van Nasregas still remains that perfect blend.
Whizkhid Jack Wilshere will represent the 3 Lions when they face Wales away before hosting African World Cup success Ghana in a friendly at the magnificent Wembley stadium. I tend to wonder why the name “magnificent” comes up any time I want to write about the magnificent Wembley stadium. Fuck! I just wrote it again.
What I’m about to write next will show you that Wilshere is extremely important to Arsenal FC. While playing his holding role or advanced role as the case may be, Arsenal has won 63% of its games. But when Wilshere is not present in the team, we have won only 40%. This is because the players become Diabyfied or Denilsonated.
Head master Chamakh has been called up to play for his Morocco when they take on neighbours Algeria away before hosting Botswana.
Chamakh unfortunately falls into Arshavin’s class in the Arsenal squad “bad omen”. With Chamakh playing as our centre forward, Arsenal has won 53% of its games but when his on bench duty Arsenal has won 67%. He has scored just one goal in his last 18 appearances and it seems as if that trend might continue except the evil ones blocking his goal scoring star decide to let go. However, his early season exploits can never be forgotten by the Arsenal faithful. When rVp and B52 were nursing their injuries, Chamakh scored 10 goals in his first 21 appearances. For a player that cost us nothing, that was an amazing return. Unlike B52 who whines when his arse is on the bench, Chamakh takes the humble and subtle approach. I really hope that he gets his shooting boots and heading snoods back on time. There are just 9 games left to play.
Farmer Eboue has been called up by the Elephants national team manager to plant some crops before playing Benin Republic. Farmer Eboue is the only farmer that counts all his eggs before they are hatched. If you want to know more about Farmer Eboue, follow @EboueFacts on Twitter.
As expected, Orbinho didn’t have anything for our favourite farmer.
Vela, Gibbsy and Lansbury complete the list of players going on international duty.
It’s now time to write about those gunners that’ll stay at home and watch their flat screens on Saturday and Wednesday.
Wojciech Szczesny has featured in a number of games since Fabianski did his shoulder. Arsenal has won 63% of the games Szszsz has been the custodian between the sticks. Without him Arsenal has won 57%.
Fabianski on the other hand took the number 1 jersey from Almunia in September and hasn’t looked back since then. Arsenal has won 64% of the games Fabianski has kept but have won 53% of the games Fabianski hasn’t kept.
Here’s a little brain teaser for you gooners: If you were AW the Alchemist, who would you use as your number 1 next season. My answer might not be yours but I’ll stick with Fabianski.
Remember: Opinions are like arseholes, everybody’s got one.
Errrr….speaking of goalies, Orbinho had something for Manuel Almunia. Arsenal has won 43% of the games he has kept. But when he was out injured or doing any other thing except being on the pitch, Arsenal has won 64%.
Sebastien “Squisha” Squillaci also had his own stats. Arsenal has won 53% of the games he has played but when his services are not needed Arsenal has won 67%.
Diaby was fortunate enough not to incur Orbinho’s wrath but Denilson wasn’t so lucky. When Denilson is playing for us in his “proposed” holding role, Arsenal has won 33% of its games but when he’s not there we have won 65%. Tell me why he doesn’t deserve to be in Arsenal di Sarandi or Arsenal Kiev.
rVp still holds the best record at 70% but there are four players that are “better” than him.
African Blondie Song comes in at 4th place with a winning percentage of 71%. The amazing thing about Alex Song is that Orbinho believes that without Alex Song in the league, Arsenal has won 0% of its games. Thinking of all the games Song has missed will make you realize that there’s an element of truth in that statistic. Unfuckinbeleivable.
Club captain and talisman, El Capitan comes in at 3rd place with a winning percentage of 72%. The main disturbing issue is that Arsenal had won only a meager 36% of the games Fabregas has missed. He’s truly our backbone.
The runner up of the percentage award goes to Theo Walcott. Arsenal has won 75% of the games our pacey winger has played. That’s 3 wins in every 4 games Walcott plays. That’s extremely impressive. Like Fabregas, Walcott’’s absence is also felt with Arsenal winning 47% of the games Walcott has played in.
The winner of the Arsenal winning percentage challenge is Johan Djourou. Djourou’s record stands at a staggering 79%. That’s 2 wins in every 3 games played. I have run out of superlatives for JD20. Arsenal has not lost a league game Djourou has played since 2008. If Song’s 0% stat is unfuckinbeleivable, Djourou’s record is amafuckinzing.
All thanks will go to Orbinho for making today’s blog post worthwhile. He’s a fucking legend on Twitter.
It seems as if all my blog posts will start coming as late as 8pm and below because I will be indisposed during the day time. Apologies
The tweet of the day goes to one of @goonerdaily ‘s followers , @sounak
“@sounak: They buy Luiz, we buy Squillaci #justsaying”
Thanks for reading today’s post.
Hope you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing it.