Daily Archives: April 29, 2011

Emirates Cup scheduled, Wilshere due to be announced and the Verminator back after being out for all eternity

First things first….I am really tired of taunts and insults rained on AW the Alchemist and the Arsenal faithful after another trophyless campaign. Don’t these bloody cunthounds called critics ever give up or at least create something new for us. Imagine @enigma106 calling Mr. F a fool for instance. I see him tomorrow and call him a fool, see him next tomorrow and do the same. After consistently calling him a fool for 6 fucking years, what does that make me, a BIGGER FOOL with block letters!

This article I read from a cultured left foot sums it all up,

Those ‘haven’t won a trophy in x years’ nonsense is just bang out of order now. No one bitches about Liverpool who have not only have not won anything for 6 years; they have never won the Premier League in 2 decades. Apart from Chelsea and United who have collectively spent more than the GDP of some developing countries, no one has won the damn title since”

Blackburn won it in 95’ but this same Blackburn is battling with relegation right now. Our critics can come up with taunts like,

Why are Arsenal’s players so young” or “why is it that Arsenal players have the most mysterious injury time predictions?”

At some point this season rVp, Farmer Eboue and Djourou were diagnosed to have long term injuries but they made amazing comebacks while Vermaelen who was expected to be out for “3 days” spent 7 months with Kieran Gibbsy’s physio girlie in Colin Lewin’s treatment room.

I expected the Verminator to be out for eternity but he was scheduled for a comeback against Man Utd’s reserves and he played the entire match without twanging his Achilles tendon. I suspect that Paris of Troy was probably kidnapped and chloroformed when he came to the pitch with his famous Achilles piercing arrow. It’s good to know that our defensive leader is back but it’s safe to say that it’s too little too late for Thomas Vermaelen. Fans and media Vultures alike expect him to make a comeback against Man Utd’s first team on Sunday but I feel that it’s too early for our center back that made the PFA Team of the Year in his first season.

Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday were dominated by European football but we the Arsenal faithful watched the games as neutrals. Tuesday saw the Red Hell Owners progress to the finals after doing all the much needed work against those beer drinkers in Veltins Arena. Hugh Giggs Hefner and the Rich RooThug scored the goals but the highlight of the game would undoubtedly be the goalkeeping heroics of Germany’s no 1, Manuel Neuer. In as much as I like what Neuer does on the field of play, the fact that he bears the same first name with Almunia sends thoughts through my head. Like the Flanimal, Neuer says that he’ll say sayonara to the Schalke fans this summer so I’m pretty sure that he’ll find 10 contract offers on his table once the season is over. The media Vultures say the Man Utd are leading the polls to secure the German’s signature. Wednesday saw the 4th and probably the most boring el classico I’ve ever witnessed. The usually tactically adept Jose Moaninho or Mou-rhino as @ladyarse would call him somehow lost the plot with a very odd lineup. He promoted Pepe to the defensive midfield role and left all his recognized strikers (Karim Karim, Higuain and Greedybayor) on the bench. Pepe earned himself a red card for a rash lounge on Hollywood’s latest movie star and finger breaker Saturn head Alves. The Little Wizard from Planet Lionel stole the show again with two Messi-less goals that’ll probably pave the way for a Luzhniki stadium 2008 final repeat. This season has been all about repeats (Madrid-Lyon, Inter-Bayern, Arsenal-Barca) so I’m pretty sure that we’ll have to settle for that.

I hate Barcelona for sniffing on Fabregas’ butt and eliminating us for 2 years in a row but I really hate Man Utd because they have eliminated us from winning the league many times and most recently kicking us out from the FA Cup with 7 fucking defenders. Trust me, it still hurts. I won’t give a ram’s testicle about who’ll win the Champs League though.

Thursday was a Portuguese affair with the Falcon banging 4 past Villarreal making his Europa League goal tally at 15 while Benfica beat Braga 2-1 in the other semi. The only thing I hate about the Europa League is that the teams that were not good enough in the Champions League group stage go to the tourney to bully all the chums that started playing from day 1. The 3 Portuguese teams present in the semis where all Champs League rejects because they finished at 3rd place in their groups.

Back to Arsenal news, AW the Alchemist has come out to say that our downward spiral started from the Carling Spoon final loss to Birmingham. This season is somewhat reminiscent of the 2006/07 campaign where we lost in the Champions League knockout phase to PSV before losing in the FA Cup to Blackburn.

The media Vultures report that Fabregas and Arshavin have told AW the Alchemist that they will stay at Arsenal if he buys a defense worthy of them. I don’t know about AA23 but I feel for our captain. He was in the form of his life season last term then he ended it with a World Cup medal while playing with those his BarcAlien friends in the Spanish National team. Barca tried everything to woo him to wear their alien clothing and warm their bench but AW the Alchemist did enough to convince him to stay. His performances this season haven’t been sky high but his work ethic and defense splitting through passes played a vital role in our trophy charge this season even if our defense capitulated times without number this season. Take the Liverpool game for instance. How would you feel if you waltzed into the opponent’s box late on before being hacked down by some bloke, you get injured but you request that you want to see the penalty being played before you’re taking to the treatment room. Your teammate scores in the 98th minute while you celebrate on the stretcher only to see another teammate concede a penalty in the 101st minute which your opponents converted to level the tie or the Birmingham game when you the striker execute a scissors kick to equalize for your team then you get injured in the process only to see your teammate kick thin air in the 89th minute for your opponents to win the trophy while you’re gutted and probably crying while there’s an ice pack on your knee. I wrote in a previous post that I will not begrudge Fabregas or rVp if they leave the club but they have to understand that they are essential to us because they are the leaders of the team.

As Aaliyah said in her song,

if you don’t succeed, dust yourself up and try AGAIN”.

The media Vultures also say that our assistant manager Patty Ol’ Rice cannot take it anymore and will wave his goodbyes to us while we have secured the services of that young bloke at Charlton. The English Press and their numerous stories. I don’t call them the media Vultures for nothing.

Jack Wilshere is due to be announced for the England Under 21’s in the forthcoming European Championships taking place in Scandinavia. Wilshere is going for that tournament without Arsenal’s blessing so my only prayer for the England U-21 side is that they come back home quickly like the way the Super Eagles came back home in last summer’s World Cup. I would prefer them to lose narrowly by a lone goal in their first game followed by a 2-1 loss to another team after Sani Kaita….Jack Wilshere gets a red card for stamping a player that’s about to throw the ball. With 2 losses for their first two games toppled with the fact that Wilshere got a red, Stuart Pearce would ban Wilshere like Nneka the Bald for 18 games which would make Wilshere retire from Under 21 football. That way everybody goes home happy.

There’s a trophy we always win but it never enters our cabinet. The Emirates Cup. Next season’s Emirates Cup will have an intercontinental effect because Arsenal has successfully invited Paris St. Germain, Boca Juniors and New York Red Bulls. The last team mentioned is presently the club that our living legend, top goal scorer and my footballing role model plays for Thierry Daniel Igwe Henry. It would be good to see Henry bask the summer Emirates Sun with everybody singing his songs. When he came on in the 68th minute for Barcelona against us in 2009, he got a warm reception but this time it’s going to be a lot warmer.

I won’t publish any post tomorrow because I have a wedding that I’ve been invited to. Unfortunately, it’s not going to be a royal wedding like the type Prince William Arthur Philip Louis had with Catherine Middleton which dominated every news channel and every social networking application with Facebook and Twitter suffering the most. It was reported today that the harshtag #royalwedding clocked an amazing 500 tweets per fucking second.

The tweet of the day goes to @garyprince,

@garyprince: Gareth Bale declined an invite to the #royalwedding as he has a prior engagement whose major attraction is the Chimps tea party at the London Zoo”

Bale , you Welsh Chimp. You actually declined an invite to the best event today to hang out with your buddies at that zoo. As they say,

You can take the Bale out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the Bale”.

The Evolution of Man

The Man Utd match preview post will come on Sunday.

Thank God its Friday