Gooner Daily

After one grueling month in the land of the scorching Sun known as Owerri, I’m back in the birthplace of Gooner Daily, Abuja.

The performance we put up against this alien outfit at the Emirates was second to none. The performance we put up at the Nou Camp yesterday was quite appalling.

The lineup that started yesterday was a lineup that was capable of getting a draw at least.

I opted for the deep blue sea called Denilson but AW the Alchemist preferred Diaby. I also thought that AA23 would have done enough to earn a starting place but AW the Alchemist chose TR7.

The surprise inclusion was star striker rVp. I thought he would come into the game as an impact sub but he was deemed fit to start.

Barca took the keys from start to finish.

Pedro was the first to draw first blood. His effort was blocked by Koscielny.

The man with the whistle was an absolute disgrace from start to finish. Koscielny received a soft yellow for his first tackle.

Szszsz has been our best goalie this season. His night was cut short by a shot from Saturn head Alves. The Brazilian bloke fired a routine free kick that came straight at Szczesny. Our goalie saved the shot but it seemed as if he dislocated his finger in the process. The commentator said that if he ruptured the tendon in his finger it meant that his season would come to abrupt end.

Just like Mad Jens in 2006, Almunia came in for Szczesny in the same rusty shape he was in 2006. After losing his place in September, Almunia had only featured in 3 games. They were all FA Cup outings.

Alves fell like a sack of potatoes when he was touched slightly by Clichy. This same bloke went in hard on Nasri but the ref did nothing.

Pedro curled a ball in but it went wide.

Nasri was blocked once again but the ref on white did nothing again.

Little Wizard Messi ran riot against us but he was stopped in the nick of time by Swiss wall Djourou.

David son of Villa was sent through but he was put under pressure by Djourou. His shot was quite weak so it was easy pickings for Almunia.

We were on the defensive for vast periods of time. Almunia received a simple back pass from Clichy. His proposed clearance hit Koscielny at the back of his head.

Alien left back Adriano hit the post with his cross. Wilshere then won the ball fair and square but Bussy the ref blew his whistle for a BarcAlien free kick. Little Wizard Messi hit the wall with the resulting free kick.

rVp won a fictitious corner but we didn’t capitalize on it.

Mascherano and Wilshere went for the ball and got stuck in. A bust up followed with humans and BarcAliens mixing up. Make shift center back Abidal grabbed rVp on his neck but Bussy overlooked it.

rVp tussled for the ball with Alves and pushed him in the process. Bussy brandished a yellow card to our flying Dutch man.

Messi linked up well with white zombie Iniesta but his shot was saved by Almunia.

When it seemed that we were going into the break with a goal less stalemate, we proved to be our own undoing.

Messi did his wizard thing on a host of Arsenal defenders and was blocked superbly by Clichy. Instead of adopting Jose Moaninho’s route 1 defensive approach, we wanted to pass our way out of the defense. We were successful enough to bring it out of our box but it fell to club captain El Capitan.

Instead of doing what he does best with the ball, Fabregas decided to give a cheeky back pass to Wilshere. The ball was intercepted by that short white zombie called Iniesta.

The through ball he gave Messi was like hot knife through butter. He doesn’t have a 20/20 rating for passing and creativity in Football Manager ™ 2011 for nothing.

Messi received the ball and was one-on-one with Almunia. As expected, Almunia rushed out to anticipate the ball. Messi is not a human. A friend of mine believes that he hatched from a ball…..let’s face it, he’s short enough.

There’s only one person that would have done what Lionel Messi did……Lionel Messi.

As Almunia charged on, the Wizard chipped the ball in the air while Almunia waltzed under it. He was then left with the simple task of firing the ball to an unguarded net.

That wouldn’t have happened to Szczesny.

The goal was scored in the 3rd extra minute of stoppage time.

At half time, I went into Twitter to get a few interesting tweets.

“@DasBaz: Arsenal have SO many bookings so far. I blame their kit. Its giving the ref ideas”

“@ladyarse: If anyone tries to tell me that our possession in this half is over 5% I will laugh”

“@Orbinho: HT Stats Barcelona v Arsenal Shots 8-0 On target 4-0 Fouls 4-10 Duels Won 57%-43% Passing accuracy 89%-70% Possession 75%-25%”

Imagine Arsenal FC, one of the most profligate sides in the World not having a shot on goal to miss. The possession percentage was embarrassing. We had just 25%.

The game plan changed in the second half. All we needed to do was to score a goal and resurrect our Champions League aspirations.

Nasri took the ball on the left and was closed down by 3 players. Not 1, not 2 but 3 short aliens.

The resulting corner was slotted into Barca’s net by make shift defender two….Sergi Busquets. At that point, impossible was nothing.

Villa had another chance to punish us but he squandered the chance.

The next event that happened was very questionable. rVp received a pass but was ruled offside by the linesman. Not being aware that he was offside, he lashed a shor wide. Victor V was going to get the ball.

As soon as rVp turned his face, he saw red. Unfuckinbelievable.

It took Mr. Bussy one fucking second to blow his whistle and brandish his second yellow to our striker. rVp was extremely perplexed and
bewildered.

That was the point I knew the game was lost. If Arsenal couldn’t hold a 4-goal lead after going a man down in St. James Park, how much more preserving a draw against the mighty Alien Barcelona.

Barca attacked us with everything they had to offer. Dani Alves killed a bird with their next attack. They sent in another cross from the right but Almunia showed some bravery to anticipate the ball.

Clichy received a ball from Almunia then lacked ideas what to do with it. After dallying with the ball, he had the time to do a Silvestre-like one-two with Messi but we weren’t punished for that.

Messi fed Villa again but the striker that I said was the C in clinical became the P in profligate.

After much pressure, the aliens leveled the tie on aggregate with a goal from midfield demigod Xavi. I wouldn’t bother myself explaining the goal. The bloody bottomline was that at that point it was Barca 2 Arsenal 1.

Minutes later, Xavi fed Pedro in the box. Up stepped Koscielny to stick out his little legs to award Barca a penalty. I tend to wonder why Koscielny gets on the end of events that lead to goals we concede. He has caused a lot of mistakes that lead to goals we conceded yet his concentration attribute rating in FM is 17/20. It’s now obvious that Vermaelen’s partner will be Djourou.

Speaking of Vermaelen, when is he going to come back? I’m getting tired of anticipating his comeback.

Messi’s penalty went to Almunia’s direction but our old goalie switched off.

So it was 3-1 to FC BarcAliens. The Champions League end was nigh.

AW the Alchemist brought on B52 for El Capitan. This was the 1st time I saw my captain extremely lost on the field of play. Some people were saying that El Capitan was cut in two Worlds. Bullocks, if you ask me.

Messi blew his chance to score a hattrick when he came up against Almunia.

Messi teed up Afellay but Djourou put him under enough pressure to blast wide.

Barca teased us with their play but the last kick was spurned by Afellay.

When the BarcAliens thought that the game was in the bag, Jack Wilshere stepped up to retrieve the ball and send a perfectly weighted through ball to Bendtner. The Dane’s first touch was putrid. rVp would have sent us to the quarters if our Whizkhid gave him that pass.

The stats after the game were very very embarrassing.

Barca had 19 attempts with 10 shots at goal, Arsenal had……….no fucking attempt or shot…. 0(0).

Barca also completed 724 passes with 84% accuracy while Arsenal completed 199 passes with 59% accuracy.

How depressing.

Almunia (7.0) conceded his 11th goal in 4 games against Barca but still kept the scoreline respectable. Clichy (6.3) didn’t do well against Alves. Sagna (6.5) wasn’t half bad. Djourou (6.8) defended admirably. Koscielny (5.8) conceded the penalty that sent us packing. Wilshere (7.0) was combative in midfield. Diaby (6.2) didn’t impress me. El Capitan (5.6) had no influence in the game. Nasri (6.3) didn’t do his Snood magic. TR7 (6.2) was tiring to watch. rVp (6.4) was unfortunate to be sent for an early bath thanks to the ref’s tomfoolery. AA23 (6.0) should have started. B52 (6.0) didn’t stand up when he was supposed to be counted.

After the game, rVp had this to say,”the ref was whistling at us the whole game, i dont know why he’s here, he was a joke”

The word joke is an understatement. Bussy was a ditwitted cretin. In regards to the red card he was a fucking ignoramus.

This tweet explains Bussy better

“@SwissRamble: Busacca is not universally respected in Switzerland. He was suspended for a few games a couple of years ago for giving the crowd the finger”

I’ll leave you all to @ChuksBass comment in my BlackBerry group Team Goonerdaily

“Lost 4 words.. Wat really happened yesterday is d fact dat we went der witout a game plan.. We didn’t even probe deir make-shift defence.. It was so make-shift dat dey conceded an own goal…”

Can’t write any more words

Sayonara