Transfer bullcrap, Clichy whines, the Whizkhid loves international football and Fabio Hitler

The fingers on my left hand went through another fitness test this morning. It was the kind of fitness test you only see in Utopia and Shangrila. A sexy blonde nurse called me up and told me to sit down on the comfy leather seat. I did that. I had a fantasy fitness test in my crazy mind.

In my Twitter account @enigma106 I have a favourite tweet that I saved from a buddie of mine known as @aykemoore

“@aykemoorexxx: Q: Why is it that 90% of girls have their left boob bigger than the right? A: Because 90% of boys are right handed”.

I expected the lovely voluptuous nurse to tell me that I should use my left fingers to feel her tits to see if they are fit enough but she gave me 15 pairs of dusty black shoes to polish as if I was an elf. I woke up to realize that the fitness test took place in my dreams.

Now that April is around the corner, many teams will start sniffing the butts of the teams they want to buy players from. Juventus are hot on the trail of World Cup goalkeeping finalist Maarten Stekelunburg but the goalie says that his preferred destination is London.

Sorry to disappoint you Maarten but I think our goalkeeping eggs have been laid in a Red and White basket from Poland. Besides, we are the Red and White so it makes a whole lot of sense. Better get your Dutch arse to Delle Alpi in Turin because Buffon gets injured more than Cattermole gets red cards.

Resident Evil’s Belgian BioHazard of Eden might be up for grabs this summer like the T-Virus from LOSC Lille Metropole. AW the Alchemist is known to be an admirer of the young BioHazard but I think he might cost a fortune because of his age. I wouldn’t mind us purchasing a player like the BioHazard because we know that Arsenal FC is an injury prone squad. He’ll definitely get his chance to shine.

The BarcAliens have been told that they can get Arsenal’s Clark Kent for £43m. I still feel that £43m is quite small for a player of Fabregas’ caliber. If a craphole like Man City’s Flour Mill-ner can command a fee of £30m, how much more a star like El Capitan. They are a broke ass lot so I feel that Fabregas will stay with us till we suck his blood dry. If we win the Premier League he might be tempted to stay but if we go trophyless again I don’t see us keeping him.

Madrid boss Jose Moaninho says that he was just hours away from taking the England job in 2007 before declining. Like we fucking care.

As I wrote in my post on the 17^thof March, Moaninho is a managerial prostitute. I’m pretty sure that if he goes trophyless with Madrid this season, he’ll probably resign then carry his glittering CV to the shores of England crying to clubs like Man Utd or Man City saying, “I am Moaninho the Special moaning one. I’ve never lost at home since the days Napoleon ruled France and I won’t still lose till after Brazil hosts the World Cup. Hire me please. 🙂”

The boss of England has sent some players back home like King Leonidas in 480 BC before fighting the final battle of Thermopylae to the Persians.

I don’t think captain Terry J looked back like Dilios but the media Vultures are now making a big fucking fuss about the player that would wear the armband against Ghana in tomorrow’s friendly against Ghana. I think I have the perfect solution for such media tomfoolery.

Fabio Capello should wear the captain’s armband like the Nazi dictator in the picture above. He can even choose between Adolf Capello or Fabio Hitler. I feel that Fabio Hitler sounds better. I’ve always searched for a nick for the English national team boss and I’ve come to a stop. Fabio Hitler.

Most people think that tomorrow’s friendly is pointless but Fabio Hitler will probably use it as an opportunity to give other players a run out. I’ll glue my eyes to my 42” flat screen tomorrow evening when England takes on Ghana. Even though I’m a proud Nigerian, I take delight in watching the Black Stars play. Let’s go back to last year’s football fiesta in South Africa. They were paired with Serbia, Australia and heavyweights Germany while Nigeria was paired with the short Argies, Chin ko Republic and that Spartan team that have players whose names end with S. They did Africa proud by qualifying for the quarter finals after knocking the Yankees out. They were a foot away from the semis but were denied by the canny mischievousness of Uruguayan national hero Suarez. They still had the perfect opportunity to book their ticket to the semis but that makossa dancing wankhammer called 33AsaGyan let the continent of Africa down by missing his spot kick from 12 yards.

Jack Wilshere wasn’t among the English players that were sent home. This means that the Whizkhid may be in line to continue his international fledgling career. Wilshere says that he wants to play in the U-21 European Championships that will take place in the summer

I admire Wilshere’s drive but it’s his youthful exuberance that is driving him to make such a decision. He has to remember that he’s human. He also has to recall that he’s now considered as a senior team player. If a player has 99 U-21 caps in Football Manager, it automatically changes to 1 cap when he makes his senior team debut. The 99 U-21 caps won’t be counted anymore.

Finally, Wilshere has to understand that he’ll suffer a burnout when he returns to the Arsenal squad. The 2007 Copa America cost Gilberto Silva his place in the squad because he complained to AW the Alchemist that he was fatigued. The Flanimal stepped into Gilberto Silva’s shoes in the midfield and forged a great understanding with Fabregas. Wilshere should remember that Sylvester Stallone or Rambo is lurking around the corner to win his place back in the squad so he can go to the U-21 European Championship at his own peril.

The media Vultures claim that Gael Clichy is frustrated that he has lost his place to Monsieur Tuck-in Evra.

The last time I checked, it was never Clichy’s in the first place. International football is a lot different from club football. The manager of the national side picks his team for different reasons.

He might pick his squad based on player reputation. Cassy Casillas is the best keeper in Spanish football. He broke into the national side after Andoni ZubiZubiZubiZubiZubi decided to hang his gloves. There was nothing Canizares, Cesar Sanchez, Valdes, Reina, De Gea can do about it. I forgot to add Almunia, I’m sure that he can be placed there somewhere.

Other managers pick squads based on personal preference. Most national team managers that have their children playing professional football would give them preference in that position. When Zlatko Kranjcar was the manager of Eduardo Dudu Composure and Luka Luka’s Croatia, he handed a debut to his young son Niko. Vladimar Weiss Snr of Slovakia gave his son Vladimar Weiss Jnr an automatic World Cup slot even if he was enjoying Reserve football in Man City.

But there are some managers that are really senseless. What can you say of a manager that made a midfield legend like Riquelme retire before his time? A manager that stripped the national team captaincy from a player that has served the country since 1994 to hand to a midfielder that has only 2 Olympic medals to his name. I thought that he’ll be foolish enough to give it to his son-in-law. A manager that felt that a treble winner like Cambiasso wasn’t good enough to make the 23-man squad that was to travel to South Africa. He found his footballing demise in the hands of the effective German Machines. There’s also another cuntbutling manager that felt that Nasri, Benzema and the Flanimal were not good enough from his squad. A manager that’s responsible for Nneka the Bald getting an 18-match ban. Unlike the previous manager I wrote about, this one didn’t even make it past the first hurdle that included teams like Uruguay, Mexico and the hosts South Africa.

Let me give Clichy a brief history lesson on the left back position of the Les Bleus. His lucky that he’s not on Twitter; I would have forwarded this section of my blog to him.

The left back for the French team in the 1998 World Cup they hosted was Bixente Lizarazu @ 28. Lizarazu @ 30 was the left back in Euro 2000 at Holland and Belgium. Lizarazu @ 32 was the left back at the 2002 World Cup in Korea and Japan. In Euro 2004 at Portugal, Lizarazu was 34 so he was usurped by BeansHead Silvestre @ 26. Silvestre’s stint as the first team left back lasted for only 2 years because he was usurped by Abidal @ 26 in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Abidal @ 28 was the left back in Euro 2008 in Switzerland and Austria. Monsieur Tuck-in Evra @ 28 usurped Abidal in last year’s World Cup in South Africa.

I have one word for Clichy… “Wait you fucking turn or go to the Ivory Coast and ask Drogba for the Shevchenko-Pizarro-Torres potion”

That’s all for today.

Sayonara