Arsenal 1 Red Vampires 1: Farmer Eboue douses Arsenal fading title flame and Wilshere gets what he deserves

With the return to full fitness of players like Szczesny, Djourou and Song I expected Arsenal to fire on all cylinders but I witnessed more heartache. The Arsenal players gave Pat Rice the worst birthday present ever. If your Blood Pressure can be raised on your birthday, what’s the worst that could happen?

The starting line-up I predicted was almost an exact match with the only omission being Diaby for Song. When I saw our opponents wearing that black strip, I was caught up with mixed emotions. Their attacking trio of Mr. Dick Stamina, Suarez and WWE’s Edge was going to be a handful for us but their midfield seemed weak with the youngling Spearing and the only Brazilian Denilson is better than marshalling it. Their attacking right back Glen J was still missing in action so another youngling was standing in his place.

I follow the comical @EboueFacts on Twitter but he changed his handle to @Eboue_Eboue. At the start of the game, he tweeted this,

“@Eboue_Eboue: Arsenal has never lost a league game at home to a big four side with Farmer Eboue starting. #EbouePower”

He wrote that Arsenal hadn’t lost a game. He didn’t mention anything about victories or draws.

Diaby drew first blood after heading the ball wide from a Nasri free kick. He was challenged by the massive Edge but he did well to get his head on the ball. After more waves of attacks, Walcott fired a surprise shot that was parried by Reina the Bald. As he ran to claim the ball, rVp did well to nick it off him and send it back to the danger area but Nasri’s header was way over the bar.

Farmer Eboue fed a delightful ball to El Capitan but his control let him down so it was cleared out for a corner. As rVp swung the corner in, Koscielny arrived before Reina the Bald to nod the ball straight to the cross bar. A few inches lower and Arsenal would have been 1 up. Liverpool didn’t clear the ball out so another attack saw Walcott shoot the ball on Mr. Dick Stamina’s hands in the Liverpool box but no penalty was awarded.

After the attack the commentator made a funny comment about our manager AW the Alchemist,

ManUre United was just eliminated from the FA Cup but they’re still challenging for the League and the Champions League. What will HE give to be in his position?”

Nasri and Fabregas worked hard on the left hand side but Nasri’s cross was anticipated by Reina the Bald when Walcott closed in on the ball. Moments after that, the Red Vampires left full back twanged his hammy so he was replaced by a 17-year old youngling called Jack Robinson. That introduction made me lick my lips a bit. It meant that our skillful wingers will have 2 younglings to contend with.

Suarez crossed a ball from Edge but Szszsz dominated his area by grabbing the ball with consummate ease. The attack from that catch saw Nasri give Walcott a nice pass who in turn fed a poor pass for El Capitan but Fabregas did well to get a cross in from the tight angle even though it still ended in Reina’s arms.

El Capitan then sent a nice over the top ball for rVp. Our Flying Dutchman was offside but he still scored the goal after the whistle was blown. This made the commentator talk about Bussy the ref and his Champions League exploits. Fabregas then had a weak left footed shot that went wide.

Walcott skinned that skinny Robinson bloke but a corner was the end result. Minutes later, Skrtel hacked the farmer down in cold blood. rVp’s resulting free kick was very disappointing because he killed a hawk in the sky with his proposed attempt.

El Capitan sent a pass to rVp that was out of his reach but our striker didn’t give up on the ball. Reina the Bald ran towards the ball to see it out for a goal kick but he had a lapse in concentration by running past it when it hadn’t gone out of play yet. rVp tried his best to keep it on the playing pitch but it was too much for him. When the ball went out of play, rVp lost his balance and was about to hit the turf with his glassboned body. Up stepped Red Vampire legend and captain Carragher to grab our striker and exchange a warm hug with him. Carragher couldn’t even wait for the match to be over before he hugged rVp. Oh well, at least rVp’s glass bones were still intact after the hug. I thought he’ll be out for 7 months after receiving a hug. It’s rVp I’m writing about here.

After some good interplay, Farmer Eboue crossed a nice ball for El Capitan but Fabregas didn’t expect the ball so it went straight to Reina the Bald. Liverpool then had a free kick on the right with that Bald tattooed chap Meireles taking the responsibity of crossing the ball. Szczesny did well to come through a pile of bodies to punch the ball clear. That punch led to a counter attack which saw Fabregas give a cescy through ball through a player’s legs to Farmer Eboue but Eboue’s indecision got the better of him so he spurned the chance.

At half time it was 0-0 at the Emirates. The same feat that was achieved at Sunderland and Blackburn but I hoped for the best because like the previous aforementioned games our first half performances were encouraging.

At the start of the second half, Arsenal had a lot of possession but they lacked that cutting edge. Suarez was allowed to roam free but he sent his shot wide. In the space of 10 minutes, the Emirates was silenced with 3 injuries in quick succession. The first was the grimmest of them all which was suffered by the Red Vampires skipper. A simple aerial ball came to his path. He and his teammate challenged for the same ball but he was in a higher position so the youngling smashed his head from a lower position. The way Carragher hit the ground very scary because he probably became unconscious for a few minutes. The rate at which the players called for the physio to arrive was a cause for concern to everyone present at the Emirates. It wasn’t really a new event for the Arsenal players because in the last 5 years, they had witnesses 3 horrific injuries suffered by their teammates. After a long time out in treatment, Carragher was stretched off and got himself a standing ovation from everyone present at the Emirates. Football: the United Sport.

Minutes after that our Farmer was the next to hit the deck after a rash challenge by Skrtel, the last was suffered by the £35m pound man WWE’s Edge after he twisted his ankle when he landed awkwardly.

There were more attacks form Arsenal but the next noteworthy highlight was by Suarez again. He somehow found himself free on the edge of the box but his quick shot was parried well by Szczesny before Djourou tidied up with a clearance. Nasri fed rVp but his shot went wide.

AW the Alchemist brought in reinforcements in the form of AA23 for Wilshere and B52 for Walcott. We still maintained our 4-2-3-1 shape with Nasri coming to the centre while the substitutes where on both flanks. This was Arshavin’s 100th appearance since coming from Leningrad FC in the winter transfer window of 2008.

Nasri crossed a corner but rVp’s header hit the side netting. Koscielny was guiding the ball out for a goal kick but he was tackled from behind by the bald youngling that replaced Carroll. When the 80th minute mark appeared, frustration started creeping in. Clichy had a cross that was headed wide by rVp.

AW the Alchemist then replaced Diaby with the African Blondie Song. rVp was really profligate in yesterday’s game. The chance of the game appeared when El Capitan and Nasri did superbly well to feed rVp who found himself one on one with Reina the bald but our striker fired a weak shot that was easily saved by the Spanish goalie. Within seconds, Liverpool had the chance to steal all 3 points but Suarez murdered an eagle with a hopeless shot from Kuyt’s excellent ball.

All eyes were on the 4th official when he was about to raise his board. Carragher’s injury made him stay on the pitch for a while so the minutes had to be added to stoppage time. When he raised the board, the Arsenal faithful let out a unified roar because 8 fucking minutes were displayed to the encouragement of the Arsenal players and the dismay of the Red Vampires.

The first 6 minutes or so were marred by time wasting tactics employed by Reina the Bald but when it seemed as if our 3rd goalless draw at the Emirates was about to become a reality, our superhero El Capitan took the ball and waltzed into the Liverpool box only to be fouled by Spearing. In the 97th minute of play, Arsenal was awarded a fucking penalty that was to add more fuel to our title flame.

When South Africa’s Khune got a red card in the game against Uruguay, it took a long while before Mooneeb Josephs replaced him. Jabulani king Forlan waited for 5 minutes or so before the goalie got to the line. The pressure was intense because he was about to take the penalty at the home soil of the South Africans which he duly converted. That was one of his numerous goals he scored in the World Cup that made him get the coveted mVp award. In the same vein, Cameroon was faced in a similar situation when they hosted Egypt in a World Cup qualifier. After Eto’o won the penalty his morale wasn’t high enough for him to take it because it was so late in the game and Cameroon needed that goal more than ever. Physical fit men like Geremi, Ndiefi and Song’s uncle Rigobert was also scared so the left back Pierre Wome decided to bestow the responsibility upon himself. He ended up hit the bar with the penalty and Cameroon were eliminated from qualifying for the World Cup in Germany. This made the angry fans burn his car and some property and even go as far as threatening him which also made him hang his international boots in 2006.

Fabregas has played late penalties against Leeds, Stoke and Barcelona but his morale wasn’t high enough for this. Besides, rVp is our prime penalty taker. When rVp dropped the ball on the spot, I read this tweet,

“@ladyarse: Arsenal’s season depends on this kick”

rVp didn’t only score the goal that added a few litres of fuel to our title flame, he sent Reina the Bald the wrong fucking way. As expected he took off his shirt in celebration of the goal and got a booking for that. That penalty was scored in the 97th minute so we all expected the ref to end the game moments later but 3 extra minutes surfaced from nowhere.

There has been so much talk about the low mentality of Arsenal but we proved our doubters and critics right by buckling after some minute pressure from Liverpool. When it was needed for Arsenal to keep a cool fucking head, they conceded a free kick right on the edge of the box. Suarez took one million years to kick the ball but the Great Wall of Arsenal China did enough to block the ball well which was heading out for a corner. Lucas protected the ball to as to win a corner for his side but our Farmer decided to teach Lucas how to plant crops with the chest by stupidly bundling him over in our box. Lucas wasted no time in falling to the ground and looking at the ref so that he could point his finger to the spot. A ball that was supposed to go out for a corner was dropped back in the spot because of the extreme foolishness of Farmer Eboue. All the hardwork done by Szczesny, Nasri, Walcott, Wilshere, Clichy, penalty winner Fabregas and goal scorer van Persie undone by the idiocy of their African teammate who was present on the pitch because Sagna was still a doubt.

At the 100th minute mark, AW the Alchemist was squatting as he watched Kuyt take a few steps back with Szczesny on the line. Unlike Reina the Bald, Szczesny dived the right way but the ball was higher. That turned out to be the last kick of the game as Arsenal drew a match after going 1 up in the 97th minute.

Szczesny (7.0) had a solid performance in goal. Clichy (6.8) did well on the left wing. Eboue (0.0) broke my heart and increased Pat Rice’s blood pressure on his birthday. Koscielny (6.6) had a header that hit the cross bar. Djourou (6.7) did okay in his comeback after we’ve feared for the worst. Diaby (7.1) put up one of his finest Arsenal outings. Wilshere (6.8) steadied the ship in the midfield. El Capitan (7.2) created an assist by being fouled in the box. Walcott (6.4) wasn’t too impressive with many blocked and poor crosses. Nasri (6.8) was as sleek as ever. rVp (6.5) was very profligate but kept a cool head to a slot in Arsenal’s proposed winning goal. AA23 (7.0) showed high work rate. B52 (6.4) was isolated on the right. Song didn’t spend enough time to get a Gooner Daily rating.

There’s only one football club in England can lead by 2 goals in the 80th minute and end up losing: ARSENAL. Aston Villa tried it against ManUre United but they salvaged a draw. There’s only one football club in England that can go 4 goals up in the first half and still end up drawing: ARSENAL. Angola achieved the same feat against Mali but the last time I checked Angola is a COUNTRY. There’s only one football club in England that can have its defender kick thin air in the 89th minute of a Cup final: ARSENAL. There’s only one football club in England that can lose a game to an opposition playing with 7 recognized defenders: ARSENAL. There’s only one football club in England that can lose a Champions League knockout round game without a single fucking attempt on goal: ARSENAL and finally, there’s only one football club in England that can score in the 97th minute and concede a 100th minute penalty: ARSENAL FOOTBALL CLUB.

The lesson for the day is this.

Dear Arsenal fans, in the same way we can’t celebrate being 4-nil up at half time, we can’t also celebrate a 97th minute winner”

The tweet of the day goes to @Obutler

@Obutler: Arsenal’s ability to excite, offer hope, depress and bring despair all within the space of 90 minutes is UNBELIEVABLE”

Farmer Eboue, thanks for dousing our fading title flame that was reignited by van Persie and Fabregas.

I’m pretty sure that like John Arne Riise’s own goal against Chelsea, we the fans won’t break sweat if Harry the Twitched One comes for your services in the summer. FYI…There’s a youngling in Charlton that we’re going to buy to work under Mr. Consistency Bacary Sagna.

With 6 games to go we are 6 points behind the Red Hell Owners and 8 goals behind in goal difference.

I still don’t know what I’ll do to myself if Arsenal wins the league.

IF……a conditional attribute…not WHEN.

In other happy news, Jack Wilshere has been given the PFA Young Player of the Year award for his amazing footballing exploits on the field of play. Arsenal’s Samir Nasri was the runner up to the World’s best left footed Chimpanzee for the senior award. Nasri was in scintillating form at the tail end of last year but his goal scoring well has dried up since January. He has been putting up consistent performances in 2011 but the cunthounds at the FA felt that the Welsh Chimp was better than Nasri.

Bale played better in Europe than the league this season and has been plagued by injuries. Congrats to Nasri all the same for coming second to the Chimp. Carlitos the Short Dracula came in at third place.

Sagna was also nominated as the best right back this season because he was in the Premier League XI of the Year. Arsenal and Man Utd had the largest amount of players in the XI with 4 each. Man City had 2 while Chelshit had 1.

Elder van der Save

Sagna-Vidic the Terrible-Joyless Kompany-Cashley Cuntly Cole

Micheal Jackson’s dark clone-Wilshere-Nasri-the Chimp

Berbatinho-Carlitos the Short Dracula

At least Mario Balogoat of Man City knows who Wilshere is now.

Time to do other things with my time.


About enigma106

An Arsenal fan with a good sense of humor

Posted on April 18, 2011, in Arsenal, Match Report, Premier League and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. The final indignity

    Given the amount of abuse they have suffered this season, it’s about time someone started a group called Arsenal Anonymous, where people who have been persistently abused by the club they love can meet and share their burden in the company of like-minded individuals. I can just see it now: “My name is John and I’m an Arsenalaholic. I too believe it is all the referee’s fault…”

    My basic argument would be this: if you take the lead in the 98th minute and fail to win, you don’t deserve the title. It might be simplistic, but I tell you what, its pretty bang on. All Emmanuel Eboue had to do was shepherd Lucas out of the area for roughly three more seconds and Liverpool would have been vanquished. Even the Gunnersaurus could have managed that. But when you have beaten only Leyton Orient and Blackpool in nearly two months, and gone 270 minutes between goals scored at home, blaming the officials, yet again, begins to look more than preposterous.

    Arsene Wenger’s response was utterly predictable and symptomatic of a deluded man one step away from a Michael Douglas-style ‘Falling Down’ moment. It’s a wonder he is prompt for anything given his relationship with father time, as he wilfully ignored the stoppage caused by the award of his side’s soft penalty, and subsequent celebrations, as well the time it took to organise the wall for Liverpool’s late free kick. The eight minutes is a guide, Arsene, a guide.

    He even wandered up the touchline to argue with Kenny Dalglish, as if he was expecting his counterpart to implore the officials to chalk off his side’s late equaliser. The King’s curt reply was a fitting way to bury this sorry saga once and for all.

    -Culled from

  2. good one…clearly portrays the frustrations of every arsenal fan…btw thought arshavin signed from zenit or is dat d nickname?

    • Thanks bolz: I call Zenit St. Petersburg “Leningrad FC” because Leningrad was the former name for St. Petersburg
      Sent from my BlackBerry wireless device from MTN

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