A Tribute to the Premier League’s Best Divers: The Legends of the “Fall”

Nothing much has happened after that humbling home defeat to Wigan. The media Vultures did their bit to spice things up.

Arsenal’s captain, Robin van Persie has been on the spotlight for all the…wrong reasons. The Mirror published reports of him chilling with El Capitan and Ibrahim Afellay in Barcelona’s hotel in London while other gists surfaced about the skipper setting up a meeting with some Manchester City folks.

There was also the pointless issue of the handshake shenanigans with some twat in Wigan. As Arseblogger rightly pointed out, if a player has been a twat all game long then the offer of a hand after the final whistle doesn’t make him any less of a twat. Arsene Wenger made a point or two about Wigan’s time-wasting tactics, but he still gave the Latics the credit they deserved.

Moving over to today’s post, I’ve decided to take time off the world of Arsenal that has been infested with the regular barrage of abuses to poor ol’ Aaron Ramsey and the usual negativity a loss brings.

I’ve decided to air my views about one of the most consistent trends in the Premier League.

Not the late winners that heralded Arsenal as the comeback kings, the FA’s inconsistency in their decision-making, the atrocious officiating, the fiercely contested battle for the Champions League spots or the dogfight for relegation.

That disgraceful act that can be the difference between a win, a draw and a loss. That act that has the potential to make a team lose a player for a crime he certainly didn’t commit.

The art of diving.

Laying emphasis on the epic illustration above, I present to you:

The Legends of the Fall

Lead Actor: Gareth Bale

For what it’s worth, the world’s best left-footed Chimpanzee, Gareth Bale is odds on to win two potential gold medals for Team Great Britain in the forthcoming Olympic Games this summer.

Bale will certainly represent the British football team with the likes of the much-maligned Aaron Ramsey and loads of English folks without Jack Wilshere though. A good performance from the Brits can see them win gold but Bale will also be an integral part of the Team GB Olympic Diving Squad.

In one of the most enthralling North London derbies ever, the game was marred by Bale’s antics that saw his team win a penalty from a blatant dive. Emmanuel Adebayor converted the spot kick to put the Spuds two up but Arsenal turned on the style to give their faithful fans a game to remember.

Funnily enough, there was no media outrage after Bale’s dive but when Eduardo dived against Celtic in a Champions League play-off game a few seasons ago, a witch hunt followed with people holding forks and torches requesting for the Crozilian to be banned. They even went as far as creating a catchy headline to match his diving act, Cheat-Ed.

In the wake of that shameful incident that taints the beautiful game, former top referee Graham Poll has told everyone to stop blaming Mr. Dean but Gareth Bale and his diving crew deserve to be punished by the FA:

“If it was a foul it should have been a red card for the keeper and perhaps Dean had doubts over the accuracy of his decision and left him on the pitch. Replays showed that Bale had not been fouled but I would not blame Dean for being fooled; rather look at the conduct of Bale and plead that the FA introduce retrospective punishment for diving. This would not need a change to laws of the game, nor permission from the IFAB or FIFA as it is up to each governing body to determine their own disciplinary code.”

Bale responded to Graham Poll’s comments declaring that he doesn’t dive, but he’s into ‘self-preservation’:

“If people want to say I’m diving they can. But at the end of the day I’m trying to get out of the way and save myself and my career.

For once, I’m going to agree with Bale. Monkeys don’t “dive”, they “swing” from trees to trees.

He probably imagined Wojciech Szczesny’s post as the nearest tree so he “swung” in that direction winning a fictitious penalty in the process.

Supporting Actor: Ashley Young

In the yesteryear, Arsenal had its own “Ashley” that marauded the left flank forming a telepathic understanding with the dreamy Robert Pires. After winning seven trophies and notching up 228 appearances for the Gunners, the full back embarked on a new adventure in the Blue half of South West London.

However, there’s another “Ashley” that has become England’s own Superman without a cape in the 18-yard box. He was one player I admired from his Watford and Aston Villa days and I’d envisaged that he won’t remain in Villa Park after a while.

My predictions became a reality when Sir Alex Ferguson invested £18m for his services and he hit the ground running with some good early season performances for the Red Devils before his form waned. He will certainly be remembered for his role in the 8-2 mauling of Arsenal and the 3-0 win over Tottenham. His finishes in both games were “sweet” to say the least.

However, Ashley Young has added a new dimension to his game and his recent antics have made him enter some bad books. When Manchester United hosted Queens Park Rangers in Old Trafford, Young strayed offside when he received a through ball and he hit the turf as if he was sniped following a duel with Shaun Derry.

Derry wrongfully received his match orders and Shrek converted the penalty to put the Mancs one up. Ashley Young’s dive looked worse with each passing replay but it convinced the QPR hierarchy to state that Young could partner Tom Daley in Team GB’s Olympic Diving Squad, alongside Gareth Bale of course.

Young continued his diving run with another shameful “simulation” against Aston Villa.

Arsenal’s Arsene Wenger was also irritated with the incident and postulated that divers should receive three-match bans.  He also supported Gary Neville’s assertion that diving in English football spread from foreign players.

Why evils?

Unlike Bale, Young hasn’t come out yet to say that he’s preserving his next generation with each dive in the box.

Director: Didier Drogba

As a pure and thorough-bred African, I’m proud to know that my continent has produced the best set of centre forwards  in different generations for world football to witness. Many defenders have had numerous nightmares on and off the pitch courtesy of the performances of the likes of George Weah, Abedi Pele, Roger Milla  and Nwankwo Kanu amongst others.

Chelsea’s former goalie, Ed de Goey can attest to the “evil” Kanu can render to any opposition defence. Scoring a hat-trick in 15 minutes is certainly not as easy as Abou Diaby picking up an injury.

In recent times, the world has witnessed the latest breed of Africa’s finest strikers. While Samuel Eto’o continues to pave the way and earn the greens in Anzhi, strikers like Frederic Kanoute, Yakubu Aiyegbeni, Papiss Cisse and the Ba Ba Senegalese Sheep have registered their names in the folklore of their teams.

However, this post is dedicated to divers, and Africa’s undisputed diver remains the “Serial Diver” himself, Didier Yves Tebily Drogba.

Drogba’s stats are sickening to say the least and we all know that he has a season or two left in the gas before bidding his farewell to top-flight football. In Guingamp, he scored 24 goals in 50 games while he smashed in 32 goals in 55 games for Marseille. He rose to prominence in Chelsea and he has scored 155 goals in 336 games for the London-based outfit.

Despite having goal scoring statistics that can make you drool, Drogba is a serial diver that has made a tackle look like a shot from close range with a Rocket Propelled Grenade. Week-in-week-out, Chelsea fans are always entertained because they know what to expect from Drogba, besides the goals of course.

Drogba has perfected the art of diving and the picture below is no different from Michael Jackson’s world famous 45-degree stance he executed in the Smooth Criminal video.

Liverpool’s Luis Suarez also deserves an honorable mention but I decided to stick with the Lead Actor, the Supporting Actor and the Director.

In the art of diving, the cast is really much.

That’s yer lot folks,

The Legends of the Fall.

Sayonara.